More from the best of CL

13 07 2005

I hate you, white fish with the flowy fins

To celebrate our domestic bliss, my boyfriend and I recently got a fish tank. The manager lady at the Petco on La Brea (very helpful, looks like Parker Posey in 20 years, she deserves a raise) advised us to stock the tank with goldfish for the first few weeks because they’d do something or another to the water to make it more amenable to tropical fish in the future.
Not surprisingly, five of the eight goldfish died, as goldfish are wont to do. We waited in vain to sacrifice the remaining three to the porcelain god, but they defied us. Finally, we purchased a smaller tank and moved them there. They seem content.
Then we cranked up the heater and bought tropical fishes: two orange thingies with wavy fins, a silver something that looks like a quarter with gills, some fish with little feeler things on its mouth, a frog, and the white fish the flowy fins that would be the death of everything.
Oh, the hours my boyfriend and I spent in each other’s arms, looking at the aquarium and delighting in our makeshift family.
Then disaster struck. White fish with the flowy fins got bumpy things and his flowy fins started getting stumpy. The other inhabitants of the aquarium were fine for days, maybe a week. We went back to Petco and manager lady gave us drugs to medicate the aquarium. We medicated as instructed and everything returned to normal.
Oh, the hours my boyfriend and I spent in each other’s arms, looking at the aquarium with relief at having averted disaster.
Then disaster struck. White fish with the flowy fins got bumpy things on his flowy fins and started getting stumpy again. The other fishes, the frog, and the snail started getting bumpy things days later. Then I awoke one morning to find everyone floating belly-up at the top of the aquarium, except white fish with the flowy fins.
He no longer has bumpy things but he’s still stumpy. He swims around all day, all alone, content to have his kingdom to himself finally. Fucker.

$100 to steal my roommate’s cat

Need an easy way to make $100? Break into my apartment and steal my roommate’s cat. Please! You can have the cat, give it to the animal rescue league or sell it to a Chinese takeaway. I really don’t care. Bottom line is the cat needs to GO! I have racked my brain trying to come up with ways to get rid of this cat, but any possible scenarios I have worked out would definitely be figured out by my stealthy roommate. This is the only way I can get rid of this mangy animal without incurring the wrath of my roomie. Before you consider me a heartless individual, please understand that there is a solid basis for my utter hatred of said feline. I hate this cat with a passion. Here are my reasons for hating the cat:

1. It smells. It has a skin disease and must get weekly injections of anti-inflammatory drugs. It also wears one of those lampshade cones around its neck so it won’t lick it’s inflamed, oozing patches of skin. This presents a problem. Because the cat wears a cone, it cannot clean itself. Therefore, the cat reeks. It also has a nasty habit of scratching around its litter box and emerging with large chunks of cat turds stuck around the rim of its cone-head contraption. I have found these chunks of cat turds and other dingles from the cat’s nether regions on such places as a) the dining room table b) my bed c) the bed in our guest room etc. It is gross.
2. Because the cat is so smelly, it needs to be bathed on a weekly basis. This has caused an excessive amount of cat hair to become lodged in our pipes. Massive amounts of Drano are futile against the massive hairballs lodged within our apartment’s plumbing system.
3. The cat’s food. Let’s face it – cat food is nasty. This cat refuses to eat dry food. It will only eat wet food. The cat food is constantly strewn about our living room floor (yes, the cat prefers to eat in the living room because the cold terra cotta tiles in the kitchen “hurt his feet” according to my roommate). The cat cannot reach its food if it is placed on the floor because of the large cone around its neck. Therefore, the cat eats out of a large platter perched upon a TV-tray table. It sits on the couch and munches away on it’s smelly “captains platter” flavored Friskies, all the while dropping bits of the stinking, rotting, slimy, ground up fish carcasses onto my oriental rugs.
4. It has a nasty habit of throwing up its Friskies “filet and pate” all over the apartment. Never on an easily cleanable surface either. No, I always come home from work to find piles of barf on the leather couch, the Oriental rug and the shag rug in the bathroom (that one we had to throw out). Last week was in the nineties. What a joy it was for me to come home to my apartment and enter an abode smelling of hot tuna and stomach bile that had been festering in the 80 degree apartment all day. When I opened the door the fumes it me like a punch in the face.
5. I just hate cats. Period.

So, if you think you are up for the challenge, I invite you to come to our apartment and steal my roomie’s cat. Please email me and I will give you directions to my apartment. I encourage you to be creative. There are several windows along the fire escape that can easily be broken (we don’t have an alarm…those stickers are just a decoy). Please make sure that you make it believable-open up the cabinets, toss a few items on the floor, pull the cushions off the sofa in the living room etc. My roomie keeps her pot stashed in a ceramic vase on top of the microwave. Please steal that and maybe a few bottles of booze from our liquor cabinet – might make her think some kids from PS123 broke in on their lunch break. Don’t forge to take the cat WITH YOU when you leave. And leave the window open…that way she’ll think the cat jumped out. Help yourself to a cold beer in the fridge as well.

Please email and I send directions to my apartment and arrange a time to meet in private and pay you $100 CASH.

Dog Toe Nail and Seed Collage – 15

I have created a beautiful collage from my dogs toe nails and some seeds from my garden. God has blessed us with many wonderful objects to create beautiful art with.

* this is in or around Spanaway

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