Guess who I saw todaaaaaaay…

28 06 2005

Yes. I saw Zach Braff today. I knew he was in town for three days (starting today) to film The Last Kiss, some of the scenes of which will be set in Mad Town.

I got up way too early from my nap to hoof it to work, and half way up Bascom, I saw a ton of people on the hill. I though, “Oh, that must be SOAR… am I early?” Sure enough, I was a whole damn hour early to work. So, I walked back down the hill to the greyhound station to refund my ticket. When I was almost there, Meghan called to tell me she was heading to look for Zach Braff because she heard they were filming on Bascom. When I thought back on it, I realized that none of the people were young looking SOAR kids and that I saw a director-type chair and a cast iron bench on Bascom. This odd combo of things jogged my memory into realizing that I was right freakin’ there!

Anyways, I told Meghan to call me back if she saw him. Sure enough, as I was in line at the station, she called and said, “Come here… NOW!” I left line and ran, but asI got there, she said that he had left with the rest of the cast. Among them: Blythe Danner (Meet the Fockers), Jacinda Barrett (Ladder 49) and Rachel Bilson (from the OC, I guess.) She said they were in a van to get back to the trailers by the Union. I said we should go down there to look, so we did. There were signs everywhere directing the extras and crew to lunch (at 2:30pm, no less.) We went into the Union and stood around, watching extras come in and generally mill around as they headed to lunch. Some small groups of extras came in and people with headsets directed them to lunch. A larger group came in and one of the extras said, “Where is lunch now?” I turned around and it was Zach. He was wearing normal clothes and slouching. They told him where to go, and he shuffled off with the group. Meghan was speechless, and she wanted us to go with her to get an autograph, but I said we should go tomorrow. I plan on getting a camera, too, because I’d rather have a pic than an autograph.

That was my big story. Today’s chem test went well, but chem is always on the horizon. Stay posted for more as details unfurl…

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Batten the hatches! Jibe Ho!!!

26 06 2005

I believe I can now be upgraded from baby-faced sailor to slightly weather-worn sailor. This is especially applicable after my harrowing experiences as a pirate. Ask about those some time. The reason I feel as I do is because I now have a lifejacket/t-shirt tan, I’m pretty dark-skinned where I DID get a tan, I have a major Chaco (sandal) tan, I have wear marks on my feet where my Chacos have rubbed the skin away, my hair is sun-bleached blond, I have bruises that I don’t remember getting, and my hands have three big cuts and more than six nicks in them. Not to mention the fact that hot water hurts my hands because of all the rope burn I have… I guess I need to start wearing my gloves…

If you fail me, please don’t fail me now.
-Mason Jennings





BOCL

19 06 2005

From the best of Craigslist:

You…being shoved in the back of a squad car… – m4w – 27


Reply to: anon-77636876@craigslist.org

Date: Wed Jun 08 00:29:25 2005

I shouted “fuck the police”…you made the black panther fist.
You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let’s chat.


this is in or around Chicago

Two doves were fucking in my windowsill this morning


Reply to: anon-77463348@craigslist.org

Date: Tue Jun 07 07:46:46 2005

This morning I had the dubious pleasure of being woken up by
two doves fucking in my windowsill. Well, actually, I’m not sure if
they were ‘fucking’, but there were a lot of rhythmic grunting noises
in that ugly and unmistakable dove tone that steadily rose to a climax,
followed by a frantic flapping of wings and general birdlike commotion.

This went on for about 10 minutes before I finally snapped, leapt out
of bed, went over to the window, and threw it open with bloodlust. Two
surprised looking doves were right there. One of them immediately flew
off to a nearby rooftop, but the other just hopped over to an
out-of-reach windowsill and then just stood there eyeing me with the
vacuous, dumbass gaze that only a dove can muster.

I actually started getting even more pissed off as I imagined that this
stupid creature was somehow taunting me. In my admittedly twisted
logic, I began to imagine that the bird knew I wasn’t getting laid that
morning, and was trying to show me up, you know, to rub it in. Consumed
with rage and avian loathing, I was tempted to reach for a nearby bag
of birdseed I keep by the window for just such occasions, with a view
towards luring that little piece of shit closer.

But just then, a loud (and unmistakably sexual) human female moaning
came echoing through the window adjoining mine, causing the bird to
flee. As I listened to my neighbor getting plowed, and the hearty gasps
and muffled screams that usually accompany her orgasms, I realized I
had to start getting out more.


this is in or around San Francisco

Mom’s Silence


Reply to: anon-75209305@craigslist.org

Date: Tue May 24 22:38:16 2005

Mom, I have to say “thank you” a zillion times for not pointing
out the fact that I had a gigantic 2 1/2 foot double dildo very visible
on a shelf on my end table near my bed. You came over to look at my new
setup in my new place – we walked into my room and you sat down in my
new leather chair at my new computer desk. You looked towards my bed
and my end table, and I just KNOW that you saw that two headed monster
sitting on that shelf as if to say “hay world, lol, look at me I’m a
giant rubber phallus!” because your face turned from an expression of
“this new place looks really cute” to one of those faces you’d see an
amateur poker player makes when he has a REALLY bad hand but doesn’t
want the other players to know that he’s holding a stinker. Yeah. You
saw it. And I knew it. Our eyes met each others, and my stomach sank
and I thought “oh holy fuck she’s gonna start crying or wig out or
WORST OF ALL point it out and have me explain myself.” She opened her
mouth: “So, where do you feel like going for dinner?” My heart
exploded… not in relief, but in extreme love that she did not bring
up the un-bringupable. She stood up and walked out of the room, and I
followed. I swear I saw the doubledonger wink at me.

I’m a 20 year old guy.

Also, Mom, next time you come over I’ll be replacing that toy with a bible. A big fucking fat bible.

Love,

Joe


this is in or around my new place





42512

18 06 2005

I am now scared. I know I always say that when I find something new and scary on CNN.com,
but this is it. This is worse than a Starbucks in every Target. This is
worse than two Wal-Marts in every suburb. This is even worse than Mall
of America expanding to accomodate a hotel so that guests coming from
out of state have to spend 5 minutes maximum outside in the Minnesota
winter. This is it: McDonald’s is enacting Plan Omega.

I wish you all a happy afterlife.





I’m doing this one fast

13 06 2005

1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
the weird music I like…. like noisy kinds of stuff like Godspeed You Black Emperor and Sigur Ros

2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
juice, milk or … stuff?

3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Old Yeller or Green Mile

4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
An ass implant, cuz I want to accentuate what I already got

5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
I’d like to say none. None stick out too much. I’m SLIGHTLY afraid of big spider (but not tarantulas.) And actually…. yes, I’m afraid of pitch black dark, because I feel blind.

6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
“Um”s, muttering and sometimes stuttering, though I stutter when I get excited, too

7. Do you like to be on the top or bottom?
um… both?

8. Do you have too many love interests?
to echo Meghan, HAH! I wish they were crawling all over me… I mean, yes. God! Get them off!

9. Do you know anyone famous?
I kind of know Nick Swardson, a MN comedian who plays b-ball with Leo DiCaprio.

10. Describe your bed:
1 word: shitty. It’s on to the futon next year.

11. Spit, swallow or gargle?
gargle. we’re talking about mouthwash, right?

12. Who would play you in a movie?
Maybe Jim Breuer… a little chubby. hippie hair. crazy weird. a half-brained kind of guy

13. Do you know how to play poker?
Shit yeah. THough My skills haven’t been as honed as they were the first summer I played. Thanks to those New Brighton/ Irondale friends!

14. What do you carry with you at all times?
my mp3 player

15. When did you lose your virginity and did you regret it?
too personal

16. Are you happy with your given name?
by far. I was named so because my dad heard the name from a sax player in a band… I can’t remember the band. He gave me two “L’s” so people didn’t mispronounce it like Colin Powell. Mostly they don’t. Instead they just misspell it.

17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
I could. it would be an interesting social experiment. I’d guess that the majority of the world is wired, but only about 53% total. many people go without. still, I’d need something to pay for all that postage.

18. If you could only fulfill one of your fantasies, which would it be?
damn… live on the ocean, sailing port to port with the love of my life and helping the less fortunate while sustaining a comfortable living.

19. What was the last song you were listening to?
The theme to Fraggle Rock… the real one, not that stupid punk coer. BTW, that theme is so funky rock. Jim Henson sure knew what he was doing. RIP

20. Where is the most public place you have ever had sex?
Hah. I made out like crazy behind a small shrubbery once.

21. Have you ever been in love?
yes. my first gf and one or two girls who didn’t/don’t “like” me back

22. Do you talk a lot?
almost all the time. anyone reading this knows that. Katrien, you’re my only rival…. but you’re fun to listen to. you (usually) talk about stuff I like talking about… except sometimes on trips in vans to states that start with “W” 😛

23. What is you favorite sexual position?
The screaming half-twist Beluga V

24. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
hah. I think a better question for most is “Do you ever feel like you’re a bad person?” Sometimes I feel like I’ve been insensetive or an asshole, and I feel awful. I’ll actually worry about it a lot. I try to be as polite and caring and my selfish self can be.

25. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
Always friends and it will never shift DRASTICALLY towards a woman. I could spend the majority of my time with her, but no as much as some whipped maried couples I see.

26. What is your ideal marriage location?
elope to a beautiful place with my closest family and friends. have a reception at home for everyone. less pointless spending of money.

27. How many sex toys do you have and which is your favorite?
too personal

28. Favorite fabric?
either silk, merino wool (socks) or 200 thread count (or more) wool

29. Something you love and hate?
my body. don’t worry, no eating disorders here. ask sometime.

30. Have you ever been tied up in your bed?
I only wish… seriously. that would be fun, as long as I wasn’t being forced to watch the OC

31. Do you tell your friends about your sex life?
not unless I really trust them. I rarely go into details.

32. What’s the one language you want to learn?
French, well.

33. How do you eat an apple?
big bites. nibble at the core. if you’ve ever seen Kevin James do standup, you’d know what I mean.

34. What do you order at a bar?
dark beer

35. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
yes: a shitty “gun”-style cartilage piercing. it got ugly, and I took it out. scarred for life.

36. Do you have tattoos?
one day.

37. What is your drug of choice?
caffeine.

38. What’s one trait you hate in a person?
how about a couple: fake emotions (like lying with your face). people who are mean just because the opportunity presents itself to rip on someone.

39. Ever had same-sex sex?
nope. most definitely not my thing.

40. What was your most frivolous purchase?
Meghan, great answer. I should quote it. Mine was probably my $119 set of golf clubs. Runners up: any video games I paid for, my turntables (I want them back now, tho)

41. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
sadly, yes. I’ve realized the lack of value in my shit, but I’m a packrat. I’m still trying to fix that. Can anyone recommend a good book on that topic? I’m sure there’s one out there.

42. What do you cook the best?
most desserts

43. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
stand out when I’m feeling comfortable with myself/ crazy. speaking of: Pirate’s Day is June 25th. be someone pirate else pirate for pirate a pirate few pirate hours pirate. Just pirate five pirate dollars pirate for pirate dinner pirate and pirate a pirate chance pirate to pirate find pirate buried pirate pirate pirate treasure pirate. No pirate sailing pirate experience pirate needed pirate.

44. What kind of books do you like to read?
mostly funny or pseudo-science fiction. sometimes biographies. rarely self-help unless it’s about ridding myself of all of my shit.

45. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
pay off my loans, pay off my best friends’ loans, buy a boat, finish my education and work 3 days a freakin’ week.

46. Burial or cremation?
cremation. too many bodies, too much money to bury them. honestly, I only care what happens to my remains for the sake of my remaining family’s peace of mind.

47. Do you have a fetish?
yes. too many quirky things to go into. suffice to say, I like to try new things. Meghan, shoes only count if they actually turn you on. that’s what a fetish is. gosh, you’re so incestual…

48. What’s one thing you’re a loser at?
being the cool guy… lol. I hate being down on myself about anything. I try to encourage friends who feel like that, too.

49. How many drinks before you’re tipsy?
too few.

50. Do you think you’re cute?
No.





Yay

6 06 2005

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how Natalie Portman cuts her hair, she’s the one for me.





On smurfs

5 06 2005

First of all, Papa Smurf didn’t create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel’s evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn’t happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don’t even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That’s what’s so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What’s the point of living if you don’t have a dick?