19 06 2005

From the best of Craigslist:

You…being shoved in the back of a squad car… – m4w – 27

Reply to:

Date: Wed Jun 08 00:29:25 2005

I shouted “fuck the police”…you made the black panther fist.
You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let’s chat.

this is in or around Chicago

Two doves were fucking in my windowsill this morning

Reply to:

Date: Tue Jun 07 07:46:46 2005

This morning I had the dubious pleasure of being woken up by
two doves fucking in my windowsill. Well, actually, I’m not sure if
they were ‘fucking’, but there were a lot of rhythmic grunting noises
in that ugly and unmistakable dove tone that steadily rose to a climax,
followed by a frantic flapping of wings and general birdlike commotion.

This went on for about 10 minutes before I finally snapped, leapt out
of bed, went over to the window, and threw it open with bloodlust. Two
surprised looking doves were right there. One of them immediately flew
off to a nearby rooftop, but the other just hopped over to an
out-of-reach windowsill and then just stood there eyeing me with the
vacuous, dumbass gaze that only a dove can muster.

I actually started getting even more pissed off as I imagined that this
stupid creature was somehow taunting me. In my admittedly twisted
logic, I began to imagine that the bird knew I wasn’t getting laid that
morning, and was trying to show me up, you know, to rub it in. Consumed
with rage and avian loathing, I was tempted to reach for a nearby bag
of birdseed I keep by the window for just such occasions, with a view
towards luring that little piece of shit closer.

But just then, a loud (and unmistakably sexual) human female moaning
came echoing through the window adjoining mine, causing the bird to
flee. As I listened to my neighbor getting plowed, and the hearty gasps
and muffled screams that usually accompany her orgasms, I realized I
had to start getting out more.

this is in or around San Francisco

Mom’s Silence

Reply to:

Date: Tue May 24 22:38:16 2005

Mom, I have to say “thank you” a zillion times for not pointing
out the fact that I had a gigantic 2 1/2 foot double dildo very visible
on a shelf on my end table near my bed. You came over to look at my new
setup in my new place – we walked into my room and you sat down in my
new leather chair at my new computer desk. You looked towards my bed
and my end table, and I just KNOW that you saw that two headed monster
sitting on that shelf as if to say “hay world, lol, look at me I’m a
giant rubber phallus!” because your face turned from an expression of
“this new place looks really cute” to one of those faces you’d see an
amateur poker player makes when he has a REALLY bad hand but doesn’t
want the other players to know that he’s holding a stinker. Yeah. You
saw it. And I knew it. Our eyes met each others, and my stomach sank
and I thought “oh holy fuck she’s gonna start crying or wig out or
WORST OF ALL point it out and have me explain myself.” She opened her
mouth: “So, where do you feel like going for dinner?” My heart
exploded… not in relief, but in extreme love that she did not bring
up the un-bringupable. She stood up and walked out of the room, and I
followed. I swear I saw the doubledonger wink at me.

I’m a 20 year old guy.

Also, Mom, next time you come over I’ll be replacing that toy with a bible. A big fucking fat bible.



this is in or around my new place




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