Inner Peace

12 04 2005

I should be studying chemistry right now, but I can’t stop thinking about this.

I did something I’m really ashamed of today. I didn’t lie or hurt someone, but I feel like a bad person for what I did. That got me thinking.

I really don’t feel like I’m at peace with myself right now. I accept myself for who I am (for the most part, though we all try to improve ourselves in one way or another.) The problem is that I have a problem with the way others see me and worrying about whether or not they accept me.

I see and hear things all the time that make me feel like I’ll be changing my life for the better in that realm, such as movies like Adaptation, Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. As cheesy as it might sound, I saw an inspirational speaker who made me feel like I could do anything for about a week.

The problem is, I don’t feel like I’m being extraordinary. I’m not making the best use of my youth, and that bothers me.

A couple posts ago, I put up a site in which people reveal their innermost secrets on postcards. One says, “Psst, here’s a secret… Your last mortal thought will be, ‘Why did I take so many days – just like today – for granted?'” It rings true to me, even though I appreciate the beauty in the world and my good fortune nearly every day. I wonder when I’ll be able to look everyone square in the eyes and smile when I pass them on the street, when I’ll be able to listen to everyone without acting or feeling rushed or nervous.

Sometimes I feel like a dick. Sometimes I feel like a pussy. Sometimes I don’t give people the attention they deserve. Sometimes I feel like people don’t want my attention, even though they may truly welcome it.

I’m wondering if this emptiness, regret and disdain stem from something superficial. I seriously doubt it. I have a couple theories: One is that I’m feeling a lack of joy in my life because of my distance from God at the moment. I haven’t been to real church in a significant amount of time. I pray at least once a week, but that doesn’t signify closeness, only faith.

The other theory is that I’m looking at life the wrong way. Right now it’s a matter of “Do I or don’t I?” and “When should I?” when it should be “My place is here. My time is now.” Seriously. Why can’t I grasp life? Why can’t I love my youth and vitality?

Someone help.




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