4 09 2004

Smeared black ink.
Your palms are sweaty.
I’m barely listening
to last demands.


Damn. What moves you?
For me, it’s music with meaning.
It’s movies that make me think.
It’s gorgeous views of vast wilderness.
It’s bugs that I’ve never seen before that are so intricate yet so driven.
It’s that feeling of impending elation that comes before and after certain moments in my life.
It’s when people genuinely smile, and I mean really smile, like they’re happy to see me or enjoying themselves.

I’ve thought a bit lately about what life is meaning to me, and I need to think more and keep evaluating it. I should be taking care of myself more than I am, and I should be loving every minute of everything in life.

Speaking of movies, life-changing things and loving life, here’s a piece I’ve been meaning to say for a bit:

Check out my entry from 8/30/04. Did you read it all? Check out the FAQ? Ok. So, I watched the movie with my rents a couple weeks ago, and here’s the most striking part of he movie for me:

How come you looked so happy?
I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine,
that love. I owned it. Even Sarah
didn’t have the right to take it away. I
can love whoever I want.
She thought you were pathetic.
That was her business, not mine. You are
what you love, not what loves you.
That’s what I decided a long time ago.

I’ve always told people that I’ve only been in love once, and that was with my first ever girlfriend, Tami. I loved her a lot, and we were talking about marriage (just talking, not planning, damn it) in our Frosh year of high school. We were together for a year and a half, and I was devastated when we broke up, but I picked myself up.

Now, after watching the movie, I feel I’m in line with Donald’s feelings. (Note: having read the FAQ, you know Donald’s a fictional character, right? If not, see the damn movie and read the FAQ.) I’ve been in what may be true love on other occasions, though they are few. In high school, there was little love and more just mild obsession. I college, when I feel I know love a bit better, I know I’ve felt it. I know subjects of my love won’t always return it, too.

Here’s the hard part. This summer I fell in love with a stunning girl. She really made me feel great when I was around her, and I thought everything she did was honorable and kind. I came to realize this after a series of long walks and longer conversations. I felt she was perfect for me. I can never say I feel I’m perfect for someone, that’s not my decision. Still, I felt something.

It turns out I actually built up the courage to ask her out, and I was turned down in a very kind way. Later on, I still hadn’t come to grips with this refusal and tried harder to get to know her. At one point, it seemed like there was something real there, but it quickly digressed back to a friendship, something I’m still glad to share with her.

It took me a while to tell myself I was over her. It took much longer to get over the delusion that I was over her and to actually stop thinking about her once every few minutes (literally). I’ve since moved on, but I’ve been trying to think of what I should pull out of this failed attempt at “mutual” love. I think there are two things for me:

1. As much heartbreak is involved in getting over someone you can’t have, it’ll pass. I don’t know how many songs I could apply to this, but I can think of three right now. I kept thinking I wouldn’t get over her, then suddenly, I was so busy with other shit that distractions and having her out of my life for a while took over.

2. I can love someone or something without their returned love. Love can pass, too. I just hope to never mistake it for lust, infatuation or “high school” obsessions long past.

I’m struggling now over whether or not I should try again at this so soon. I know at least one girl who I could see myself falling in love with. She’s another I respect and think is cute as heck (awwww gee whiz). I don’t’ want to face a series of flip-flopping emotions, and I’m thinking maybe I should try now before I’m too attached or not try at all. I’ll have to think some more.

Next time: How I plan on changing my outlook on life and how I approach situations like the one that will be popping up real soon.




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