Maladies

7 06 2004

*Read not if ye be squeamish of soul…wench.*

How to make one sore-ass pedestrian:

1. Take off socks.

2. Douse one foot in iodine.

3. Alternate spraying big toe of that foot with numbing cold CO2 and injecting it with four painful novacaine shots. Allow to numb.

4. After numb, wipe up excess blood and begin shredding nail from toe. Don’t stop until all toenail corners are eliminated. Wipe up blood.

5. Wrap toe in gauze and tape..

6. Clean ball of same foot. Scrape skin away from other lesion. Remove shard of glass from lesion. Bandage.

7. Scrape skin from other lesions on heel of foot and little toe of other foot. Scrape until it bleeds. Add blistering agent.

8. Apply band-aids.

9. Prescribe LOTS of painkillers, cuz this is gonna suck!

So there you have it folks. What a great time. Magh. I just had to account for that. Sigh… alrighty. Off to bed.

Arrivaderci.

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